"CRYPTOCURRENCIES DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM REALITY: MARKET PRICES NOW DETERMINED BY ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS"
**March 21, 2025** - In an unprecedented move that has economists scratching their heads and astrologers nodding sagely, the cryptocurrency market has pivoted to a new valuation model based solely on celestial alignments. As of today, Bitcoin's fluctuations are officially linked to the phase of the moon, while Ethereum prices will wax and wane with Venus.
This cosmic strategy emerged after repeated failed attempts at regulation and stability. The SEC has thrown up its hands, with one official quoted as saying, "If you can't beat 'em, consult the stars." Investors are advised to closely monitor their horoscopes as financial advisors scramble to add astrology to their resumes. Meanwhile, Pisces are advised to invest heavily, as Jupiter's imminent retrograde spells fortune.
This cosmic strategy emerged after repeated failed attempts at regulation and stability. The SEC has thrown up its hands, with one official quoted as saying, "If you can't beat 'em, consult the stars." Investors are advised to closely monitor their horoscopes as financial advisors scramble to add astrology to their resumes. Meanwhile, Pisces are advised to invest heavily, as Jupiter's imminent retrograde spells fortune.