CRYPTOCURRENCY FOUND TO BE LEADING CAUSE OF RANDOM BUT LESS SHOCKING THAN EXPECTED CORPORATE SCANDALS
January 29, 2025 – In what might come as a shock to precisely no one, researchers at the Institute for Obviously Unsustainable Economics have discovered that cryptocurrency remains a reliable predictor of whether a company is about to be embroiled in a scandal, somewhat disreputable behavior, or just plain financial tomfoolery.
The study, which has followed trends and patterns that even a moderately distracted high school economics student could trace, shows a direct correlation between the launch of a corporate crypto initiative and a sudden need for PR crisis management teams. “It really was as obvious as the drop in value after a celebrity endorsement,” chuckled Dr. Sven Billsburg, lead researcher. “Once the middle managers start changing their LinkedIn profiles to 'Crypto Guru,' 'Blockchain Evangelist,' or 'NFT Visionary,' you've got about six weeks till the bottom falls out.”
Crypto markets, known for their stability only in how reliably they can fluctuate, have seen increased involvement from traditional companies trying to appear innovative by attaching blockchain to things that absolutely don’t need blockchain. The infamous attempt by a major toothpaste manufacturer to release a 'minty fresh' digital coin—promoted as a revolutionary way to buy dental hygiene products with each brush stroke recorded immutably on the blockchain—led not only to disastrous results but also to puzzled consumers and a plummeting stock price. "It turns out people just didn’t want their toothbrushing habits tracked on a public ledger," noted one industry analyst sadly.
Corporate scandals stemming from ham-fisted attempts at crypto include the unexpected bankruptcy filing of PetFoodsCrypto, a company that gambled on dog food-themed tokens. This initiative surprisingly failed to revolutionize how pets were fed but succeeded in confusing both their human owners and the SEC.
The study, which has followed trends and patterns that even a moderately distracted high school economics student could trace, shows a direct correlation between the launch of a corporate crypto initiative and a sudden need for PR crisis management teams. “It really was as obvious as the drop in value after a celebrity endorsement,” chuckled Dr. Sven Billsburg, lead researcher. “Once the middle managers start changing their LinkedIn profiles to 'Crypto Guru,' 'Blockchain Evangelist,' or 'NFT Visionary,' you've got about six weeks till the bottom falls out.”
Crypto markets, known for their stability only in how reliably they can fluctuate, have seen increased involvement from traditional companies trying to appear innovative by attaching blockchain to things that absolutely don’t need blockchain. The infamous attempt by a major toothpaste manufacturer to release a 'minty fresh' digital coin—promoted as a revolutionary way to buy dental hygiene products with each brush stroke recorded immutably on the blockchain—led not only to disastrous results but also to puzzled consumers and a plummeting stock price. "It turns out people just didn’t want their toothbrushing habits tracked on a public ledger," noted one industry analyst sadly.
Corporate scandals stemming from ham-fisted attempts at crypto include the unexpected bankruptcy filing of PetFoodsCrypto, a company that gambled on dog food-themed tokens. This initiative surprisingly failed to revolutionize how pets were fed but succeeded in confusing both their human owners and the SEC.