BITCOIN COMMUNITY DECLARES IT AN OFFICIAL RELIGION, WORSHIPPERS VOW TO 'HODL' TO THE HEAVENS
January 29, 2025 – In a move that experts are calling "the natural evolution of blockchain enthusiasm," the global Bitcoin community has officially declared Bitcoin a religion. Followers of this newly formed faith, identified as Satoshi's Witnesses, held a massive online ceremony where they collectively decided to 'HODL' in more ways than one.
The declaration, broadcast live from a virtual chapel on Decentraland, comes after years of followers demonstrating undying faith through crippling market crashes, unfavorable regulations, and scathing criticism from traditional financial analysts. The high priests of the new religion, who prefer to be called "Block Prophets," preached about the divine blockchain, vowing to protect the sacred code and convert the fiat heathens.
The Chair of the Bitcoin Religious Order, known only by their username, CryptoMessiah3000, spoke about the holiness of the ledger. "Like any religion, we have our sacred text—the Blockchain. It is immutable, eternal, and contains the full wisdom and records of our transactions and testimonies."
Satoshi's Witnesses have already outlined a comprehensive list of commandments, which include:
1. Thou shalt not worship false altcoins.
2. Thou shalt keep the private key sacred.
3. Remember the halving day, to keep it holy.
4. Honour thy miners and thy developers.
5. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy blockchain.
With the official establishment of Bitcoin as a religion, many believers are enthusiastically participating in what they call "Proof of Faith" rituals. They involve verifying a complex series of personal sacrifices to prove loyalty to Bitcoin, including investing one’s life savings during market lows and evangelizing the blockchain gospel according to Satoshi Nakamoto, Bitcoin's mysterious founder whom many now venerate as a spiritual figure.
The declaration, broadcast live from a virtual chapel on Decentraland, comes after years of followers demonstrating undying faith through crippling market crashes, unfavorable regulations, and scathing criticism from traditional financial analysts. The high priests of the new religion, who prefer to be called "Block Prophets," preached about the divine blockchain, vowing to protect the sacred code and convert the fiat heathens.
The Chair of the Bitcoin Religious Order, known only by their username, CryptoMessiah3000, spoke about the holiness of the ledger. "Like any religion, we have our sacred text—the Blockchain. It is immutable, eternal, and contains the full wisdom and records of our transactions and testimonies."
Satoshi's Witnesses have already outlined a comprehensive list of commandments, which include:
1. Thou shalt not worship false altcoins.
2. Thou shalt keep the private key sacred.
3. Remember the halving day, to keep it holy.
4. Honour thy miners and thy developers.
5. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy blockchain.
With the official establishment of Bitcoin as a religion, many believers are enthusiastically participating in what they call "Proof of Faith" rituals. They involve verifying a complex series of personal sacrifices to prove loyalty to Bitcoin, including investing one’s life savings during market lows and evangelizing the blockchain gospel according to Satoshi Nakamoto, Bitcoin's mysterious founder whom many now venerate as a spiritual figure.