"BITCOIN VOWS TO BECOME MORE STABLE THAN TWITTER'S LEADERSHIP: PROMISES ONLY ONE DRAMATIC CRASH PER WEEK"
March 15, 2025
In an unprecedented move, cryptocurrency giant Bitcoin has announced that it will limit its erratic behavior to one major price crash per week. This comes as a relief to investors who, tired of its daily rollercoaster, have started investing in more stable ventures like vintage Beanie Babies and shares in Blockbuster.
Bitcoin spokesperson, Satoshi Nakahide, has stated, "We're aiming for a steady one-drama-per-week schedule. We feel this will help our users plan their panic attacks and hospital visits better."
Regulators are skeptical of Bitcoin's pledge. The SEC's chief of uncertainty management, Ima Risk, commented, "It's like promising there's only one hole in the boat.
In an unprecedented move, cryptocurrency giant Bitcoin has announced that it will limit its erratic behavior to one major price crash per week. This comes as a relief to investors who, tired of its daily rollercoaster, have started investing in more stable ventures like vintage Beanie Babies and shares in Blockbuster.
Bitcoin spokesperson, Satoshi Nakahide, has stated, "We're aiming for a steady one-drama-per-week schedule. We feel this will help our users plan their panic attacks and hospital visits better."
Regulators are skeptical of Bitcoin's pledge. The SEC's chief of uncertainty management, Ima Risk, commented, "It's like promising there's only one hole in the boat.