"CITIZENS BEG GOVERNMENT TO STOP REGULATING CRYPTO, PROMISE TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SUSPICIOUS AGAIN"
March 17, 2025 - In an unprecedented show of trust, millions of cryptocurrency enthusiasts have launched a petition demanding an end to all government oversight, vowing on their honor to avoid any shady transactions henceforth. The movement began after the infamous 2024 'Bubbles Burst' debacle where the only thing that popped faster than the crypto prices were investors' dreams. Spearheaded by Brock Pierce, dressed as a blockchain-powered George Washington, the group insists that self-regulation through community consensus should suffice. "We've learned our lesson," Pierce declared, holding a ledger in one hand and a heart emoji in the other, symbolizing sincerity and transparency. Meanwhile, the SEC has responded with a 404-page report on why that's a terrible idea, available exclusively through fax.